by Marcelo A. Tolopilo ©
In our last article we debunked the worldly notion that marriage is a 50/50 proposition, i.e., “I’ll fulfill my end of marital duties and promises when I see that my partner has fulfilled his/her half.” As we have seen, that 50/50 mentality leads to “suspicion, breeds selfishness, and will most certainly result in disappointment and emotional separation.” I invite you to re-read the full article (our preceding article). For now, let the contrast continue.
Marriage the world’s way: “Looking out for #1!”
Here’s another bone the world throws our way regarding the marriage relationship, and believe it or not, it is a downgrade from the 50/50 deal. The world will lure us into thinking that in marriage you have to “look out for number one, yourself first!” That’s the new orthodoxy. You must love yourself first and be on guard for your own interests. That’s how you approach the marriage relationship.Really? How does that work practically? Let’s take that attitude and apply it to a common marital issue: resolving conflict. How do couples resolve conflict and the wounds they feel when hurtful words and deeds have been exchanged? How does the counsel of “Look out for number one!” work when resolving offenses?Well, this popular wisdom informs us that we don’t get pushed around. You stand your ground. If you get pushed, push back—harder! You mete out forgiveness in milligrams, not kilograms, and before you dispense any pardon you make sure you get your pound of flesh first. Furthermore, if your partner—in a moment of groveling weakness—apologizes for treating you poorly, file that admittance of failure against you in your memory because it’ll prove to be effective ammunition for future battles and, most importantly, for future victories, winning the argument, and getting your way. Empower yourself!
That’s the world’s counsel, “Look out for yourself and get your way. “You resolve offenses by protecting yourself, gaining the upper hand over your spouse, and winning the argument. Yet, proceeding by this rubric we will only engender a back and forth volley of angry incriminations fed by a deepening well of bitterness that defiles so many of the people we love (Hebrews 12:15).
The Word’s way: “Put your spouse first”
In contrast, God’s Spirit informs believers with this refreshing spiritual zephyr “Be devoted to one another in brotherly love; give preference to one another in honor” (Romans 12:10). Is that not the opposite of the world’s guidance? Pushing this grace even further, Paul, in Ephesians 4:32, gives us this emancipating principle for living with those we love, “Be kind to one another, tender-hearted, forgiving each other…”How? Just as long as you win the argument, get your way, or at the very least pull even?
No, God’s counsel to resolve our offenses is “forgiving each other, just as God in Christ also has forgiven you.” How has God in Christ forgiven you, me? The exhilarating answer to that question is … completely, exhaustively; He has removed our sins from us “as far as the east is from the west” (Psalm 103:12). God has taken our “certificate of debt [our sins]… which was hostile to us; and He has taken it out of the way, having nailed it to the cross”(Colossians 2:14).
And with that bold stroke of grace, the Lord has removed our sin an infinite distance from us. That’s how God in Christ forgives us, and He leads you and me to resolve our offenses with the same generous pardon He has poured out on us in our Savior, the pardon we have received, know, and love.
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